Relief

13 days till I am at Florida Hospital.
Heard from administration yesterday... They reopened registration for stragglers such as myself. I never actually found out for sure if I would've been able to do Practicum without registering for the fall, but I wont wait to find out:) As soon as I found out registration was open, I registered.
I'm so glad things have worked out so far. It is a such a huge relief to know I still have a chance of graduating in December.
Seeing as I have a nursing test tomorrow, and a bunch of other assignments to finish before midnight, I gotta stop writing.
Thankfully, I see light at the end of the tunnel. I attended my last class this morning, and my last final is 9 days away.
Isaiah 40:31

Graduation Date: Unknown?

So at this point, I am not sure I will be able to graduate in December after all. In order to do practicum, I have to be registered for the fall semester, and in order to register for the fall semester, I have to have financial clearance, which I didn't have until yesterday. I then found out that registration was already closed till the 1st of June. It closed on Monday. My practicum starts May 3rd.
When I found all this out, I naturally felt like getting into a fine frenzy... But I was able to stay calm, and I hurried over to my academic advisor. I explained everything to her, and she immediately made a phone call to records office to try to work things out. The lady in charge of registration opening or something is out of the office till next week. So my advisor told me that she would talk to the progressions coordinator and the nursing proffesor in charge of practicum, and told me to call her sometime next week to see how things were going.
My advisor called me this morning saying that the progressions coordinator for the nursing program advised her to e-mail the lady that is out of the office in Records, and explain my situation. So that is where things stand now.
I am so grateful that I have an advisor who I know will do everything she can to make this happen. She was instrumental in me miraculously getting into the nursing program in the first place, so if anyone can get the records office to register me, it's her.
Ultimately though, God alone can make this work out. It's very frightening for me to think that humanly speaking, there isn't a way for me to graduate in December. The truth is, I haven't allowed myself to think too much on that, because it really is overwhelming for me. It would be I wouldn't graduate until a whole year after I was supposed to. So instead right now I am trying to focus on trusting God, and trying to imagine just how He's going to work this out.
I am praying. There is nothing else I can do. I have to remind myself that no amount of worrying on my part can change the situation.
I'm tempted to play the blame game on myself, since our proffesor told us way back in early March to work things out with our financial advisor so that we could register. And the truth is I might have been able to scrounge up the money earlier, but since I did not realize registration closed early this year, I naturally waited as long as I could to mention my financial situation to my mom, who is the one who has to pay. I thought I was doing fine, until I realized I was one day late. It's actually really complicated, but yeah, I can't go blaming myself right now. It doesn't help things.
So if anyone happens to read this, please pray for Gods will to be done, and for grace on my part to accept whatever may come.

Speaking Up

Mid-way through the semester, the teacher of my religion class was unable to continue teaching the class, so he was replaced by another instructor. This instructor is teaching the class quite differently than the other one was. So it's taken our class some time to get use to him. Especially since he added additional assignments to our load.
In any case, this past class period, he shared a Bible verse, and after sharing how it had blessed or impacted him, asked the class to share. One person shared, and then he asked again if any one had anything to share. I wanted to share about a certain part of the verse that spoke to me, but after a second of hesitation, I lost my courage. Right at that second, a young man raised his hand. The part of the verse that jumped out at him was just what I wanted to share. In a sense, I was rebuked for not sharing, and yet in another way, I was so encouraged. This young man was not someone I would've expected to share, especially along the line of spiritual things. He shared how recently he had been feeling the need to draw closer to God, and  how he had started spending more time with God, and in the process, had found his convictions start to change... I was so blessed by his simple words. I think the whole class was impacted for good. I'm pretty sure it didn't come easily for this guy to share, but I hope he doesn't regret sharing, because it meant a lot to me.
I hope to be more like this young man. I want to share from my heart about what God is doing in my life.
Only God knows the impact for good my words may have on one soul.

The Moon

The moon is so beautiful tonight! Even though I'm super stressed, and have a lot of things to do between now and friday, I just had to document it in words, since I can't take a picture of it.

God Talking

"In consideration of the shortness of time we as a people should watch and pray, and in no case allow ourselves to be diverted from the solemn work of preparation for the great event before us. Because the time is apparently extended, many have become careless and indifferent in regard to their words and actions. They do not realize their danger and do not see and understand the mercy of our God in lengthening their probation, that they may have time to form characters for the future, immortal life. Every moment is of the highest value. Time is granted them, not to be employed in studying their own ease and becoming dwellers on the earth, but to be used in the work of overcoming every defect in their own characters and in helping others, by example and personal effort, to see the beauty of holiness. God has a people upon the earth who in faith and holy hope are tracing down the roll of fast-fulfilling prophecy and are seeking to purify their souls by obeying the truth, that they may not be found without the wedding garment when Christ shall appear. . . .
The signs foretold in prophecy are fast fulfilling around us. This should arouse every true follower of Christ to zealous action."
Maranatha, pg. 92.

"The humblest workers, in cooperation with Christ, may touch chords whose vibrations shall ring to the ends of the earth and make melody throughout eternal ages." The Ministry of Healing, pg. 159.
Today Dick Duerksen came and spoke at our school. He talked about serving, about being a servant. He talked about going to Haiti, Africa, Peru. He shared some amazing experiences that people he had recently met shared with him. Experiences of God speaking to them directly. About seeing Jesus' face. About divine appointments.
I want that. I miss being on the cutting edge of God's work. I want so bad to have God talk to me. For some reason I think it would somehow affirm my walk with Him. It would somehow make me feel that maybe I was doing a couple things right.
Deep down inside, I know that God speaking directly doesn't make me any more holy, or spiritual. But I still want it. I would feel closer to Him.
And yet, I have to remind myself that He can speak just as clearly through His word, and providential leadings. I am trying to learn to listen. To be in tune.
It doesn't come naturally to me. The world around me, and my own words, usually drown out His voice.

I'm not sure how the two quotes fit in with anything I just wrote. They both really spoke to me, so I just felt like including them.

Press On

"Press with determination in the right direction, and circumstances will be your helpers, not your hindrances." COL 332.

"Into the city of God there will enter nothing that defiles. All who are to be dwellers there will here have become pure in heart. In one who is learning of Jesus, there will be manifest a growing distaste for careless manners, unseemly language, and coarse thought. When Christ abides in the heart, there will be purity and refinement of thought and manner.

But the words of Jesus . . . have a deeper meaning--not merely pure in the sense in which the world understands purity, free from that which is sensual, pure from lust, but true in the hidden purposes and motives of the soul, free from pride and self-seeking, humble, unselfish, childlike."
I picked up these two quotes from a favorite little site of mine today. They really spoke to my heart.
...true in the hidden purposes of the heart.
So foreign to me.
2 Peter 1:4 also comes to mind right now. I can be really bad about keeping goals, especially (sadly, I know) spiritual ones, but for this week, I want to put two new verses to memory. That's not much, I know. But I want to start small.
I use to have a whole chapter in James memorized, besides the usual Psalms 23, etc. But since my mid teens, I have slacked off, and I can tell the difference. My brain isn't as sharp with scripture coming to mind as it use to be.
Time to change that. Way past time. God needs me to do my part.

When?

When do you decide to stop pursuing something when it doesn't 'fit' you? When do you decide to give something up, when it doesn't ring true to who you are? Or do you even give it up? When do you stick to that something until forever, or walk away from it, even though there's nothing else to walk to (that you can see)? When do you choose to keep at something, even when you know it isn't you?
Or really what I'm asking is, when (if at all) is it right to do any of the above? Is it okay?
Is it okay to walk away from something simply on the basis of it not fitting your personality, your innermost 'you', or are you just being selfish?
I'm pursuing a career that requires certain things of any (good) nurse to do, that are quite contrary to my personality. Not so much contrary actually. It's just that my personality feels limited and confined in a sense.
No, it's not that it either. I can't explain it. I tried explaining it earlier to some people, and it just wasn't working.
It's such a hard thing. Because every week, at the very least, I come face to face to these questions, because I have clinicals. The other days, I can push them back...but on this one day, I can't.
I want to feel true to myself. And yet, how much of "being true" to oneself is just another way of just saying "I don't like this".
But even if that's what I'm saying, shouldn't that tell me something? Because I know that it's not that I'm lazy, or uncaring, for not feeling okay about working as a nurse. It's not that at all. In fact, I think I care too much sometimes. I care too much about the moms, the babies, if they are in pain, if they are thirsty, if they slept good, if they are lonely, etc etc etc. all the time. I'm too aware of the little nuances, from the lonely housekeeper man stepping into the room who needs someone to talk to, to the wealthy guest who is sitting in the room, who seemingly lacks nothing, and yet has an emptiness in her eyes that I want to take time to find out about, and somehow make go away.
A little stress can be good, but a lot of stress, is not good (for me). And that's what I feel that nursing has to offer me. It's not the physical stress, the busy kind of stress, but the relational stress that it causes me that is bothering me.
I am so much of an introvert. I am a helper, not a leader. I am independent. I can work on my own just fine. I can work with people too. I love working with people. I just take way more into my brain about everything and everyone around me than most of the others. And so I get mentally exhausted a lot faster/easier than most.
It is very hard to explain my thoughts right now.
I think I am done for the night.
When do I -or do I not?
Sincerely, Sara