Wednesday, March 17, 2010


When do you decide to stop pursuing something when it doesn't 'fit' you? When do you decide to give something up, when it doesn't ring true to who you are? Or do you even give it up? When do you stick to that something until forever, or walk away from it, even though there's nothing else to walk to (that you can see)? When do you choose to keep at something, even when you know it isn't you?
Or really what I'm asking is, when (if at all) is it right to do any of the above? Is it okay?
Is it okay to walk away from something simply on the basis of it not fitting your personality, your innermost 'you', or are you just being selfish?
I'm pursuing a career that requires certain things of any (good) nurse to do, that are quite contrary to my personality. Not so much contrary actually. It's just that my personality feels limited and confined in a sense.
No, it's not that it either. I can't explain it. I tried explaining it earlier to some people, and it just wasn't working.
It's such a hard thing. Because every week, at the very least, I come face to face to these questions, because I have clinicals. The other days, I can push them back...but on this one day, I can't.
I want to feel true to myself. And yet, how much of "being true" to oneself is just another way of just saying "I don't like this".
But even if that's what I'm saying, shouldn't that tell me something? Because I know that it's not that I'm lazy, or uncaring, for not feeling okay about working as a nurse. It's not that at all. In fact, I think I care too much sometimes. I care too much about the moms, the babies, if they are in pain, if they are thirsty, if they slept good, if they are lonely, etc etc etc. all the time. I'm too aware of the little nuances, from the lonely housekeeper man stepping into the room who needs someone to talk to, to the wealthy guest who is sitting in the room, who seemingly lacks nothing, and yet has an emptiness in her eyes that I want to take time to find out about, and somehow make go away.
A little stress can be good, but a lot of stress, is not good (for me). And that's what I feel that nursing has to offer me. It's not the physical stress, the busy kind of stress, but the relational stress that it causes me that is bothering me.
I am so much of an introvert. I am a helper, not a leader. I am independent. I can work on my own just fine. I can work with people too. I love working with people. I just take way more into my brain about everything and everyone around me than most of the others. And so I get mentally exhausted a lot faster/easier than most.
It is very hard to explain my thoughts right now.
I think I am done for the night.
When do I -or do I not?
Sincerely, Sara


  1. First of all, HUGE hug to you. I can relate so well.
    But I have no idea if your extreme sympathy makes you the best person for dealing with people. Or if the fact it drains and takes more from you than others make it something you shouldn't be involved in. I really hope someone comments on your post that has some answers because you totally echoed my exact thoughts and questions.

  2. I was talking to the hubby and asked him what his thoughts are on your situation. He started off by saying it depends on how far you are into nursing, etc. (I wasn't sure) He said if you aren't into very far then you might want to pray for the Lord to show you if there is something else you should be doing. If you're farther into then you have left then you might want to go ahead and finish it before you go into something else. BUT if you finish nursing he also mentioned that you may want to look into the possibility of working at one of our lifestyle centers versus a conventional hospitals as it would be probably more fulfilling since you would actually get to see people recovering and not just seeing sick people after sick people with little to no results. I've heard of nurses getting bogged down with that. But of course, financially it probably wouldn't be near as good...and there are so many variables. And anyway, I don't really know what your future plans are but I thought since we were sitting here and discussing you behind your back (lol) that I'd throw our thoughts out there. :) Sorry so don't have to publish all this. haha :P

  3. Azure, thanks so much for your kind words. I'm so glad you can relate, even though for your sake, I wish you didn't:).And you're right, there are a lot of variables:)
    If all goes well, I will be graduating this December, so I am definitely quite a ways along.
    I wish I could say I have clear plans for my future. One of my initial reasons for doing nursing was to go overseas, and I would still love to do that, it'll just be postponed for some years due to my loans.
    The typical hospital setting definitely adds to my problem with nursing.I am sure I would enjoy working at a lifestyle center, but like you said, at least for the first couple of years, I would have to make more than what they offer.

    I can honestly say that there hasn't been a single week that I haven't struggled with this, but at the same time, God has through providential leadings(or simply silence) made it clear that this is where He wants me. Wether that means he intends for me to work as a nurse or not, I don't know.
    Anyway, it's so compicated, I could go on forever. I just have to continue trusting Him.
    I just sometimes wonder if I should stop bringing it up to God, you know?
    But man, it's so hard! Especially with something that affects me so deeply.
    What is your dream job Azure?
    Some people know for sure what they would do if they could. I am not blessed with that--are you?

  4. P.S. Your blog comments still aren't working;)

  5. Totally understand where you are coming from. But if you feel deep inside that its where God wants you then I guess you can only wait on God's perfect timing. And, like you said, how hard that can be! Well...I checked my blog comments and they are set to 'anyone' so I don't know what the deal is. :( Maybe it'll start working eventually. As for my dream job...its rather impractical and idealistic. But I would love to be a stay-at-home mom with a couple kids and freelance writer/author. But I don't really want to bring children into this world and can't afford to be at home writing for it's just this sort of intangible dream. What do I want to do that's actually realistic? I have no idea! :)