The Moon

The moon is so beautiful tonight! Even though I'm super stressed, and have a lot of things to do between now and friday, I just had to document it in words, since I can't take a picture of it.

God Talking

"In consideration of the shortness of time we as a people should watch and pray, and in no case allow ourselves to be diverted from the solemn work of preparation for the great event before us. Because the time is apparently extended, many have become careless and indifferent in regard to their words and actions. They do not realize their danger and do not see and understand the mercy of our God in lengthening their probation, that they may have time to form characters for the future, immortal life. Every moment is of the highest value. Time is granted them, not to be employed in studying their own ease and becoming dwellers on the earth, but to be used in the work of overcoming every defect in their own characters and in helping others, by example and personal effort, to see the beauty of holiness. God has a people upon the earth who in faith and holy hope are tracing down the roll of fast-fulfilling prophecy and are seeking to purify their souls by obeying the truth, that they may not be found without the wedding garment when Christ shall appear. . . .
The signs foretold in prophecy are fast fulfilling around us. This should arouse every true follower of Christ to zealous action."
Maranatha, pg. 92.

"The humblest workers, in cooperation with Christ, may touch chords whose vibrations shall ring to the ends of the earth and make melody throughout eternal ages." The Ministry of Healing, pg. 159.
Today Dick Duerksen came and spoke at our school. He talked about serving, about being a servant. He talked about going to Haiti, Africa, Peru. He shared some amazing experiences that people he had recently met shared with him. Experiences of God speaking to them directly. About seeing Jesus' face. About divine appointments.
I want that. I miss being on the cutting edge of God's work. I want so bad to have God talk to me. For some reason I think it would somehow affirm my walk with Him. It would somehow make me feel that maybe I was doing a couple things right.
Deep down inside, I know that God speaking directly doesn't make me any more holy, or spiritual. But I still want it. I would feel closer to Him.
And yet, I have to remind myself that He can speak just as clearly through His word, and providential leadings. I am trying to learn to listen. To be in tune.
It doesn't come naturally to me. The world around me, and my own words, usually drown out His voice.

I'm not sure how the two quotes fit in with anything I just wrote. They both really spoke to me, so I just felt like including them.

Press On

"Press with determination in the right direction, and circumstances will be your helpers, not your hindrances." COL 332.

"Into the city of God there will enter nothing that defiles. All who are to be dwellers there will here have become pure in heart. In one who is learning of Jesus, there will be manifest a growing distaste for careless manners, unseemly language, and coarse thought. When Christ abides in the heart, there will be purity and refinement of thought and manner.

But the words of Jesus . . . have a deeper meaning--not merely pure in the sense in which the world understands purity, free from that which is sensual, pure from lust, but true in the hidden purposes and motives of the soul, free from pride and self-seeking, humble, unselfish, childlike."
I picked up these two quotes from a favorite little site of mine today. They really spoke to my heart.
...true in the hidden purposes of the heart.
So foreign to me.
2 Peter 1:4 also comes to mind right now. I can be really bad about keeping goals, especially (sadly, I know) spiritual ones, but for this week, I want to put two new verses to memory. That's not much, I know. But I want to start small.
I use to have a whole chapter in James memorized, besides the usual Psalms 23, etc. But since my mid teens, I have slacked off, and I can tell the difference. My brain isn't as sharp with scripture coming to mind as it use to be.
Time to change that. Way past time. God needs me to do my part.

When?

When do you decide to stop pursuing something when it doesn't 'fit' you? When do you decide to give something up, when it doesn't ring true to who you are? Or do you even give it up? When do you stick to that something until forever, or walk away from it, even though there's nothing else to walk to (that you can see)? When do you choose to keep at something, even when you know it isn't you?
Or really what I'm asking is, when (if at all) is it right to do any of the above? Is it okay?
Is it okay to walk away from something simply on the basis of it not fitting your personality, your innermost 'you', or are you just being selfish?
I'm pursuing a career that requires certain things of any (good) nurse to do, that are quite contrary to my personality. Not so much contrary actually. It's just that my personality feels limited and confined in a sense.
No, it's not that it either. I can't explain it. I tried explaining it earlier to some people, and it just wasn't working.
It's such a hard thing. Because every week, at the very least, I come face to face to these questions, because I have clinicals. The other days, I can push them back...but on this one day, I can't.
I want to feel true to myself. And yet, how much of "being true" to oneself is just another way of just saying "I don't like this".
But even if that's what I'm saying, shouldn't that tell me something? Because I know that it's not that I'm lazy, or uncaring, for not feeling okay about working as a nurse. It's not that at all. In fact, I think I care too much sometimes. I care too much about the moms, the babies, if they are in pain, if they are thirsty, if they slept good, if they are lonely, etc etc etc. all the time. I'm too aware of the little nuances, from the lonely housekeeper man stepping into the room who needs someone to talk to, to the wealthy guest who is sitting in the room, who seemingly lacks nothing, and yet has an emptiness in her eyes that I want to take time to find out about, and somehow make go away.
A little stress can be good, but a lot of stress, is not good (for me). And that's what I feel that nursing has to offer me. It's not the physical stress, the busy kind of stress, but the relational stress that it causes me that is bothering me.
I am so much of an introvert. I am a helper, not a leader. I am independent. I can work on my own just fine. I can work with people too. I love working with people. I just take way more into my brain about everything and everyone around me than most of the others. And so I get mentally exhausted a lot faster/easier than most.
It is very hard to explain my thoughts right now.
I think I am done for the night.
When do I -or do I not?
Sincerely, Sara

I was robbed of an hour of sleep today. And it doesn't feel good.
If there's one thing that sums up my college experience, besides lots and lots of $ signs, I think it would have to be sleep deprivation.

(Many)Random Thoughts

Spring break has come and gone, which is pretty sad. I unfortuanately got sick for most of my break, but I have to say it is better that I got sick during break than while I had classes. And even though I was sick, I still was able to get a lot done, which I'm really thankful for. I think it was my favorite spring break, simply because I was somewhat industrious, and made the best use of my time. I cleaned out and organized a bunch of stuff in the house, and even got some assignments done for school ahead of time. Each break, I have all sorts of plans to use my time wisely, and be productive, but it rarely ever happens like that. This time was different though, and I'm so glad.
I learned a lot during this break. About myself, about life, about spiritual growth, about time management, about perseverance,and about trusting in God.
I still have so much to learn, and am looking forward to what the rest of the school year holds for me. I know I wont always willingly learn the lessons that come my way, but I plan on really trying.
It can be overwhelming to see how little I know about spirituality, about being like Christ, about being unselfish. But I plan on redeeming the time.
One thing that has really helped me over break was prayer. I'm not very good about praying, but spending just a little more time than usual has made a huge difference for me this break, and I encourage any one who may happen to read this to try it for themselves.
I've also spent some time reading up on the lives of the Waldensians, and I have been so blessed. I grew up on their stories, and it has been so refreshing to get reaquainted with them.
Another subject that has recently been on my heart is purity. I will have to write more on that later, but yeah, when I really stopped and evaluated my life, I realized that I am not as pure as I often given myself credit for, and that purity of heart means a lot more than what I really think.
Trust and surrender are two other areas that God has been working on me with recently.
Probably most of all though, I realized that growth in gace, growing up in Christ, is a long process, that it doesn't magically happen...This concept I tend to forget quite often.
I will try to write about each of the various topics I hit at greater length some other time. I have so much to share.
(I'm not sure what my point was in writing what I did...Maybe I was just trying to recap 10 days in 10 minutes for myself or something. In anycase, it's fun writing to myself here.)
So here's to another 2 months of school with God, learning to trust Him more, and to surrender every moment of every day.