Friday, December 11, 2009

Rat Race

I hope to one day be able to say this, and mean every word: "My affections, interest, treasure, all, is in the bright world to come. I long to see the King in His beauty". ~EGW~

It's funny how the cares of this life can tie you down and burden you, and can wear you out. If you let it. And unfortunately (probably because I'm really bad at time management) I often do let it wear me out. And the funny thing is, the very word life-to me- doesn't imply weariness.

In two days, I will be done with my 5th semester of college, and each time a new semester starts, I tell myself that "this semester" I will not live a rat race. But inevitably, I always do. And every semester, the rat race gets more intense. And at the end of every school year, I tell myself that "this summer" I will rest up and slow down. But bills make it necessary to work, and degrees in progress make summer classes necessary as well.
So each year, even though I am advancing academically, all other things seem to take second priority, if they take priority at all.
Many people tell me that there's no way that I can't possibly have time for other stuff, considering I've never taken more than 12 credit hours at once. True, but the problem is that after my academic responsibilities are met, the education system has taken all the energy and motivation that I had in me, so that all I want to do when I am done is go on time out, considering my introvert, easily stressed out soul.
And I'm trying to make changes. I really am. It's just so hard, because each semester gets "more important" for success in my current program and for my future career.
I guess what's really bothering me is, I can handle having to put certain things on hold for my academics, but when I catch my spiritual life being on hold, I can't take it. I don't like it. And it's not right. And when I hear things like "each moment is golden", I like my situation even less.
What/who exactly am I investing in on this rat race? Do my frantic, late night, early morning "accomplishments" matter in light of eternity? Or have I bought into the ways of the world? Have their definitions of success and responsibility and obligation altered my definitions? Do half of the things I'm obligated to learn/do/study in school help in my building of a heavenly home, or just an earthly one--or neither? And if the content is helpful, what about how it's presented, how it's paced, how it's balanced with every other aspect of building for eternity?

I have so many questions. And unfortunately, I can't stop what I'm doing while I'm waiting for answers. If I do, my school loans will come knocking at my door. What I can do is trust God, and do my part--which is to make Him my priority. Degree or no degree.

1 comment:

  1. I share your feelings. Every year seems to go by faster than the last. I don't want to look back over my life and see that I neglected that which was most important...the only thing that is lasting.