Friday, January 9, 2009

When Will it Click?

There's been a lot on my mind recently. A number of things I could've blogged on too. But sometimes, my brain is so full, that I can't blog. It's probably better that way.
But tonight I can't put off writing down somewhere other than my journal what's on my heart, what's mulling around in my head.
A good verse that helps start things up, I think, is Matthew 6:19-21. I actually came across this verse today on, where I go throughout the day when I'm busy with University stuff, and want to keep my mind a bit more focused.
"Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal.For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also."
The very last verse is the one that got me.
Recently, I've found myself reaching for that comfortable life, you know, the one most Christians are aiming for. The one where all that matters as far as Christianity goes is that we attend Church once or twice a week, pay our tithe, etc. And the rest of the time, oh, that's dedicated to our daily lives, you know. And what's so different about the "daily lives" part of our week? Ahh, that's the part where we light up and smile right? That's the time when we open our mouths after having sat quietly and oh so spiritually at Church, paying our dues. Now all of a sudden, as soon as the Pastor finishes the Benediction, we all of a sudden have a whole lot to say. We talk animatedly about the latest TV show, and how unexpected the turn of events were in the latest episode. "Wasn't that girls outfit a disaster on the pew to our left, and did you see the boy with...?" We stop in the middle of our sentence and meekly shake hands with the pastor. Oh why didn't we sit in the balcony today? We could've been outa here hours ago! Within seconds of Church time, our minds are wiped of anything remotely spiritual.
So I said earlier this is the life I've been reaching for recently... but I must clarify what I meant. It's not that I want to be like that. Far from it. I'm fed up with it. Sick of it. Nope. I don't want to be like that at all. But I was raised with this unconscious motto: Don't make waves.
Deep in my heart, I want to be free of all that smoggy, earth-filled, self-seeking and world-pleasing Christianity that I see on my right side and on my left. And that is what I'm striving for. But when one comes up against the code of "don't make waves", suddenly not conforming and allowing the smog to engulf you is so much harder.
That is why part of me recently has been wanting to make a truce ("The spirit is willing, but the body is weak" comes to mind right now). With work, full-time school and multiple flu's trying to take my immune system down, there's not much energy left to spend in active battle spiritually speaking. Satan makes sure to make the truce as appealing as possible.
But this week, just as I was beginning to allow some numbness into my heart, God gave me a push. A well needed jolt.
On Thursday morning, at 11 am I got to hear Rachel Joy Scott's sister (Dana Scott Bollwerck) talk. I fought tears the whole way through the presentation. I went again to the presentation at 7pm, and that time I didn't fight the tears.
To try and share what Dana shared would take too long. But one of the many things that moved me was the spirit of Jesus that Dana had. I can't explain it. I guess what made it even more outstanding was because she was surrounded by 2,000 plus young people, at a christian University, who profess to be Christians looking forward to Christ's soon return. And the majority aren't. I know that we all have inestimable worth in Christ's eyes, etc. I know that everyone of those people have it in them to be remarkable life changers like Dana and Rachel, but what's been heavy on my heart is this... When will they realize it?! When will they at least stop, and listen, and take action? How many tragic stories like that of Rachels' will we have to listen to before it clicks in our heads? How many more presentations will we have to hear before we get it? Even as I'm writing, I'm realizing that a lot of my frustration and sadness right now is stemming from my experience at my University, so maybe older people wont be able to relate so much to what I'm sharing... But just the same, I have to share.
It made me so sad watching young people get up and move on to what was for lunch right after the 11 am presentation. I wanted to weep. Here, we had just heard the same challenge about starting a chain reaction, about treasuring and appreciating even those who might look or dress differently than us. About getting rid of prejudice and doing little acts of kindness. We had just seen flash across the screen clips of the Columbine high school the day of the shootings, and now we're talking and laughing 10 seconds later about Pasta day at the Caf?
I could go on and on about how saddened I was by my fellow peers. My christian family.
But I wont. I shouldn't. Because I know the truth in my heart. I know that this is exactly what Jesus warned us about. He knew that His people would be few and far between. He knew the dangers of the cares of this life, and how easily they can consume and take control of our lives.
I can better understand tonight why Jesus spent so many nights in prayer. He had to. He was surrounded by all sorts of garbage, unfortunately, mostly from his own peers and spiritual leaders.
I feel like shaking my friends. I feel like crying out to them and telling them that they need to just STOP. Stop and listen. Listen to the story of a girl who lived for God, and let the tragedy of her death sink in, and let it move you! Maybe, just maybe it'll move you to some sort of action. But at least let it sink in. It's good for you to cry about it. This is reality. This is Christianity. Life isn't always (if ever) about the latest movies or music.
Just as I'm ready to shake my fellow classmates, I suddenly realize that I'm the one that's being shaken--by God. And it's clicked.
It's me. My little theory of "don't make waves". God's finally gotten through in a much bigger way than before. He's concerned about me. He sees the danger of my little motto, and how it'll keep me from fully being smog free. It's either all, or nothing. He doesn't want me to live with regret, which is what my safe little motto has brought to me with unending faithfulness.
I feel like jumping for joy. I feel like how I think I'll feel when I finally understand Algebra.
Actually I feel even better. He wants me to be willing to make waves if necessary. He wants me not to worry about the outcome of following His still small voice.
O man, has this ever been a long blog. I guess when I write what's on my heart, I write.But all this rambling gave me the clarity I hadn't been able to get for a couple days.
I'm not even sure how the Matt. 6 verses tied in to everything right now, but they got my wheels turning so I guess I'll leave them for now and go back to them at a later time. And how fitting, I'm listening to Matthew West sing "The Motions". Please listen to it, whoever happens to read this post.